


Letters to him

by EvangelineIIIMoscovia



Category: Assassination Classroom
Genre: Sadness? Madness?
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-12-21
Updated: 2020-12-25
Packaged: 2021-03-11 05:15:09
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 4,294
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28219821
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/EvangelineIIIMoscovia/pseuds/EvangelineIIIMoscovia
Summary: I am Gakushuu Asano, student council president of Kunugigaoka Junior high. My father, the principal, has drilled into me every detail for success.And unless there was a lesson to be taught, we never even exchanged as much as a hello.
Relationships: Akabane Karma & Asano Gakushuu
Comments: 2
Kudos: 47





	1. Dear diary

Dear diary, right now I'm crossing the bridge on my way to school as usual, my mind is fresh and I've been studying all night, my classmates haven't spoken as much these past weeks, not since the principal took up teaching A class. This is the first time I'm stepping foot on school grounds since two weeks ago, finals are upon us. 

The principal has lost his cool, I can see him falter, he is becoming more and more unstable each day. If E class manages to hoard the top spots in the exams, his whole world will crumble. When that time comes, I will laugh, I will laugh because I'm the one who asked them to do so. 

The school entrance is already behind me, I can feel the thrill of the challenge ahead pumping my blood, yet I can't help but feel some sort of... Unease. 

————————

Dear diary, E class has occupied the top spots as I requested, however Akabane has beaten me. I am... not fit to lead. A class has been soundly defeated, but I cannot help them rise from the ashes, I do not have the achievements to do it, nor the will. 

The principal is here, he's... Glitching... The aura surrounding him is off... 

————————

Dear diary, I am currently at the infirmary, the bruise on my cheek is throbbing slightly, though I cannot truly feel the pain, the events leading to this conclusion are extremely rare, yet... satisfactory. A slap on the face that sent me flying to the back of the class, who would've thought! My cheek is stiffening, but I can't help the grin spreading across my face. Unexpected indeed, I wonder how father will react...yes... he is now acting like father.

I hope he doesn't cause too much trouble for E class, but it wouldn't bother me too much, Akabane has left a sour taste in my mouth... Or is it blood from the injury? Yes, definitely blood, I should inform the nurse, but... that would disrupt this beautiful line of thought I have right now. 

A class is deeply disturbed by today's events, I know the big five already had an idea of what family is with Asanos, but they never looked too much into it. Clever boys, that's why they're my most trusted minions... Minions? Are they really? Hmmm no, perhaps some students would call them friends, but we all know, Gakushuu doesn't have friends. 

————————

Dear diary, the previous madness I had felt is now gone and my hands are shaking in my pockets as I walk home. Perhaps it's just the cold of the howling wind as it mercilessly whistles past the structures arounde me, but the same way I understand the wind, I understand my father. 

I heard an...explosion...on the mountain E class resides in. I know, I know something is wrong, my father was already unstable, he could've done something stupid the students could've gotten hurt and the teachers... No, don't think, don't think, the bridge is almost behind me, just keep walking. Father is not far ahead. 

————————

Dear diary, father was waiting in the kitchen with a smile plastered on his face, he looked at me and said... Hello. 

There was no follow-up, nothing he had to say, other than a greeting. 

My blood boiled yet kept cool, I do not comprehend what emotions I felt but rage and numbness swallowed me whole. Because how was I supposed to react, what did he expect me to say, was I meant to respond? Another empty hello, lacking meaning or sentiment, just a senseless exchange of a greeting we had never participated in during my fifteen years of life, what is it he believed he was doing? what was he hoping to achieve? is he trying to show affection to escape CPS? is he just trying to mend our already battered, shattered, broken, unmendable relationship? he didn't even bother to visit me in the nursery, instead opting to fuck off to E class and partake in whatever sensless squabble of his choosing, in whatever trance those spot-hoarding bastards had him in, whatever secret they're trying to hide. 

The bruise and the blood and the broken chairs and desks and students, they really meant nothing to him, not his son or the top student he back handed, not the fact they're the same person nor that he abandoned him afterwards. No, the only thing in his mind after that exchange, after it all, was bloody E class. And off he went on his merry way, on a trip to do God knows what with whichever explosive he decided to take to do whatever shit he decided to do, anything was good as long as he didn't speak a word to his son, bloody cheek or not. 

I just stood there, numb, are my fingers supposed to be so cold? Father looked at me and blinked, I didn't look back.

My room was neatly organized as always, it irks me, why is everything in its place, NOTHING is in place, this house is no longer in place, my father is not in his place! I want to scream but I don't, I don't because I never did, because the only time I attempted to do so the principal sold out our cat, the same principal who tried to smile at me and say hello, as if we were a normal fucking family and not a messed up pair of teacher and student who's goal has been to put each other on a leash and fuck them over in every way possible. What nonsense this world has become. 

————————

Dear diary, my father has attempted to start a conversation for these past hours, I've locked the door. 

Father says he wants to tell me something but I can't listen to him yet, I need to wait. Never speak unless ready. Never show yourself unless composed. Never respond with anger. My father said so and I'm not having my notebooks burnt to start a new. I shall not face the punishment of whatever twisted game he has concocted. 

1 hour

2 hours 

3...No

The sky is turning dark, my mind is no longer screaming, but father is still waiting. Never make guests wait. Now or never, the mistake has already been made. I open the door. Father has something to tell me. 

————————

Dear diary, it's Saturday, yet I'm on my way to the school building, though I do not know my destination. I just wanted to walk. A week has passed and my classmates are getting ready for summer vacation. 

The wind has only gotten colder for me but more and more people are starting to wear summer attires, I don't really want to go out much, but I also don't want to be around the stranger that impersonates the principal. I no longer understand him and our exchanges no longer lead anywhere. He attempts to greet me every morning, every night, everyday... But I hope he desists soon, I do not recognize him, and I have no desire to talk to him. We dont speak, anymore. 

————————

Dear diary, summer vacations have started, but I only feel colder each day, it's no longer the wind, it's no longer the weather, but the numbness I felt two weeks ago hasn't left me, and I don't know what to do. 

My father had not referenced my grades once in his attempts at conversation and I'm still waiting for his lecture for my defeat at finals. However I'm starting to doubt it'll ever come. I don't know how to act around him and school is no longer a possible escape. 

The bridge on my way to school is less and less crowded each day, the students no longer use it. I've been meaning to get something off my chest, but I don't think it's time yet. My father told me something about family therapy, but it'll take much more that that to put me through such humiliation. I've come to believe my father pities me and thinks I need help, that's why he no longer forces his hand on anything I do and the lecture never comes. He's the one who needs help really, but I refrain from saying so. My laptop is still at my house, and I don't think I have the strength to redo every project stored in it. 

————————

Dear diary, the bridge has become my hiding place, people rarely cross it any more and the wind has become my companion. 

Last week my father told me I did a good job on finals. I failed and he praised me, now I know how much things have changed. Grades and exams no longer bother him and everything he has taught me and the world I live in no longer holds any meaning to him. I... no longer feel any sort of anger nor drive to do anything and my motivation is gone. The numbness I had felt before is now just emptyness within me, and sometimes, my eye stings wet. 

Right now father is having a drink with two of his ex students, I don't want to join him. I... don't want to see them. I can't.

————————

Dear diary, the emptyness inside me has only grown. Getting out of bed has become a tedious task, the only thing I do is lie there or shower, it does wonders for waking up, but nothing more...  
I don't know how much I've eaten in these past days, but it's been long since I've heard the fridge open, father has been more active lately, he's trying to make up for his previous mistakes, although I think he's just trying to make up for lost time.

I haven't been able to sleep much lately, though I almost never leave my bed. I feel so tired, but sleep just won't come... Father no longer insists on taking me to the therapists, besides, he no longer orders anything anymore. Though he still persists at attempting conversations, I never respond. We had never exchanged as much as a hello, unless there was a lesson to be taught, now father's just trying to brush it all off, but I don't mind... I don't mind anything at all.

————————

Dear... diary, the bridge is now empty, it nurtures the hollow feeling inside me, I don't even know if it can be called a feeling anymore, I'm cold all the time, I can't stand being at my house anymore, I think... I need to speak now...

My father... told me what happened in E class, he ran up to the mountain in a blind rage, and although he didn't specify he said he... tried to kill a teacher... I just stared at him, I had no strength to react, honestly I couldn't bother to react, around my father my body becomes stiff.

He... told me, he tried to... kill himself, he tried to kill himself, because he saw no point in living, because his philosophy was destroyed. I'm the one who wanted that. I'm the one who almost killed him. But I regret nothing. 

I hate him, I hate him each time more and more. I hate him, I hate him! I despise him!

He had nothing else to live for? He had a fucking son in the nursery because he sent him flying through the classroom! And still he had NOTHING ELSE TO LIVE FOR? No other regrets? nothing at all? Not a single thought to his son, not even a sliver of remorse, and now he's trying to speak to me, as if he ever cared!

His last thoughts, his last thoughts before deciding to commit suicide, was to, was to...

His last thoughts was to his students. 

He never thought about me, he didn't remember me, he had no regrets...about me...?

My father is currently catching up with his ex-students right now, I'm cold...

————————

Dear... dear... diary...

...

I think, I'm at peace with myself, I'm not sure. I've felt cold for so long I can't really notice it anymore... I don't think about anything, I don't do anything... But now I know, everything.

I'm not Gakushuu Asano, anymore. I'm just a sad, stupid child whose father doesn't care about, whose existence holds no meaning. The principal abandoned his son in favour of Gakushuu Asano fifteen years ago, and raised a first class puppet that doesn't even work anymore. 

Just, because, of Ikeda. 

Because before I even existed one of his students decided to die. And now I'm here, lost, alone, and hollow, because my father loved his dead student more than he ever loved me, because he created a whole system in memory of Ikeda and used his son as a shiny pawn in his game of vengance. Because he decided he had no choice but to die and thought of his students before attempting suicide all while his fifteen year old son waited for him in the nursery.

I'm shaking, violently, relentlessly, the railings of the bridge are cold, colder than whatever thing I am now. You want me to love you father, you want to fix things father, you want change FATHER. Well you don't deserve these things, not from me, not from the son you forgot, not from the son you broke.

————————

Dear diary, a week has passed, and my mind has stopped racing, everything seems so calm without thoughts. I think some food in the fridge is turning moldy... But father doesn't eat at home, he has enough acquaintances to not have time for meals.

The scenery at the bridge is so beautiful without cold or anger or thoughts. Half of the summer holidays has already past. Its funny really, how little I care for anything at all.

But there's still something nagging at me, because now I've lost my worth, I think I haven't spoken since that faithful day. The flowers in my garden have bloomed, but I no longer appreciate colour; music sounds plain; life is monotone. 

Sometimes I remember times when competition, defeat, succes, plots and schemes even meant anything, when everything was vibrant and my actions had meaning. I seems all so long ago...

I must confess certain knives have accompanied me through some lonely nights, certain pills are hidden within my drawers. It seems physical pain is the only thing that wakes me from this stupor. I wish my knives good morning and bid my pills goodnight. I've heard the therapist insist father brings me to the sessions, but I do not respond to fathers requests. I think he's afraid to touch me, he hasn't made a move. What does this therapist even think he'll achieve, fix this rotting family, fix this worthless child? Open the books of this diary I haven't even written and discover they key to make my father love me? How foolish a dream. 

I sometimes sense a depth of pain within me but I just can't tap into it, my emotions seem to want to explode but they simply do not exist. The railings are cold.

The summer breeze is there only because my hair moves, I can't really feel it.

The railings are cold.

I jump over the bars separating the street from the edge of the bridge. 

The railings are cold.

I look down, I wonder. Will I truly do this? Will I end my existence after a month of nothing, will I let the emotions that have driven me to this point send me away. What is it that I want, what is it that I feel, Is this it?

A foolish question.

I no longer feel anything at all.

A hand grabs me and I spin around, time splits in miliseconds as my body is already tilting downwards and my eyes widen at the sight.

Amber eyes command me.

"Don't"


	2. Dear therapist

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay, so I've decided to make this a three or four chapter story with the same events from diferent perspectives.

Esteemed therapist,

You told me during our meeting to describe my version of the events, but there are certain details I lack clearance to talk about. Other details are slightly blurry in my mind.

A sickening thump woke me from my stupor, I remember the desks were displaced and chairs were turned over. The students were frantic, crowding over a body lying sideways on the floor.

Gakushuu was at the centre of the crowd, he laughed, the students were yelling at me, but I wasn’t listening. I was looking at the window, at the E class building. I wasn’t even thinking as I ran towards the building, nothing mattered to me then, not A class, not the exams, the yelling of the students nor the consequences.

The next hour was just a blur of explosions, regret and failure. Desperation then hit me like a wall as I found myself helplessly cornered, miserable. At that moment, I remembered my students, they woke me up, yet sunk me deeper, I don’t comprehend the emotions that held me captive at the moment, but I was saved from disappearing forever by a friend, one I wish to keep anonymous. I finally awoke from the dream I was recently trapped in.

This is certainly a summarized recount, but I hope it is enough to prepare for our first meeting.

Best wishes, Asano Gakuhou.

\---------------

Sir Asano,

Your letter has given me valuable insight to the assistance you request from me, I would like to suggest you try to attend to our sons need, from your message I can find you have a difficult dynamic, but perhaps it is in your best interest to lessen the distance between the both of you. I understand this may seem difficult but some simple Greetings seem to do wonders for other alienated family members.

As for your own struggles, I think you may have certain regrets about your students, perhaps you should try to meet up with them, maybe there lay the answers you seek.

Yours cordially, Nakano Annaisha.

\---------------

Miss Nakano,

I find myself cornered by today’s events, Gakushuu has reacted…negatively to my greeting, I’ve been trying to communicate with him for the past hour, he has locked the door. I realised my first thoughts were of punishments, now that I’ve “awakened”, I feel deeply disturbed by these thoughts.  
Best wishes, Asano Gakuhou.

\---------------

Sir Asano,

I’m sorry to hear my suggestion backfired, though this may sound like an excuse, I should inform you that perhaps this reaction of his has a justifiable source, I believe even managing to achieve a reaction from him, negative as it may be, is a promising start, I hope to speak to you further during our session.

Yours, cordially, Nakano Annaisha

\---------------

Miss Nakano,

I’m deeply sorry about my son’s refusal, he’s being…difficult this week. I have no doubt this will not prolong itself and will soon come around. I’m deeply ashamed of his behaviour, but I’ll give him space as you suggested.

My sincere apologies, Asano Gakuhou

\---------------

Sir Asano,

Before our next appointment, I would like to encourage you to keep attempting to greet him every day, I know his lack of response might be disheartening but we must still attempt to make progress. You told me you no longer knew how to approach his failure at finals, and I can only say, my advice is to do so in your own words, at your own pace, perhaps not just think about how to approach something, but why the topic is important.

Best of luck, Nakano Annaisha.

\---------------

Miss Nakano, 

I’m deeply sorry yet again, my son has refused to accompany us once again, I know what I would have done in light of his behaviour but I find myself struggling to say anything to him, I think… I’m afraid of doing anything to him, like he’s just a delicate flower I cannot touch.

My son is still silent around me, I’ve finally approached him about finals, but I don’t know if I’ve made the right call. He now seems to avoid me always either in his room or on walks. I must admit it’s perplexing, I feel as though I can’t approach him without worsening the situation. I will still attempt to exchange greetings with him, though I don’t expect any change in his silence. 

I’ve heeded your advice and started to meet up with my former students more often, my heart grows warmer in each meeting. I no longer hurt so much about Ikeda, and I think I’ve come to peace with the events. I think I’m ready to tell my son about what happened after the events two weeks ago. I hope we’ll finally be able to have a conversation.

Wish me luck, Asano Gakuhou

\---------------

Miss Nakano,

I no longer insist my son accompany us, I’ve given up on talking him into it, he never responds. In all honesty, I’m worried for him, I told him about my… attempted suicide, he…showed no reaction, nothing at all, I don’t know what I was expecting, but the silence that engulfed the kitchen after I finished my story was not it, I felt cold. Something’s wrong with my son, he barely ever leaves his house, I never see him, as if he didn’t exist. After I told him everything, nothing in his demeanour has changed, I think he’s currently in his room. I’m worried, really worried.

Best wishes, Asano Gakuhou.

\---------------

Sir Asano,

Your last letter has brought something to my attention, but I wish to confirm something before jumping to some possibly alarming conclusions. I would normally discourage this, but I would like you to check on your son right now and tell me what he’s doing, the search his room discreetly when he leaves for his walks. You’ve also told me you haven’t had time to eat at home for some time, would you mind looking at the fridge and describing the state of the food in it? I know these are some strange requests, but I hope you understand they’re necessary for our improvement. 

Yours, cordially, Nakano Annaisha.

\---------------

Miss Nakano, 

I’ve done as you requested, I’m shaking as I’m writing this, my son was lying on his bed when I went to check in on him, he was unresponsive and didn’t even look my way when I entered. 

The cheese in the fridge is mouldy and there are no signs of food being touched, he hasn’t eaten anything during these weeks. But the most alarming was the knife and the pills I found in his drawer, the knife has dried up blood and the bottle of pills is half empty, oh God miss Nakano I don’t know what to do, my son is currently out walking and I don’t know where to find him. I don’t even know if he’s… God I don’t even want to think about this.

Please respond soon, Asano Gakuhou.

\---------------

Miss Nakano,

Gakushuu has returned home, I’ve tried to talk to him, even yelled at him, but he didn’t flinch, I think I saw red under his eyes, was he crying? My son is currently locked in his room; the knife is still in there and the pills… I’m a failure, I forgot…to take them out… I think I can hear sobbing behind the door, but I don’t know what to do… I’m frozen in place.

A cordial greeting, Asano Gakuhou.

\---------------

Sir Asano,

I deeply apologise for responding so late, you must have been very worried. I’ve read your two previous letters and believe it safe to assume your son has catatonic depression, I would normally discourage this but…I believe it is necessary to bring your son to therapy, I need to further examine him, it may seem harsh, but I cannot stand by while your son is in dire need for help.

I ask you to please retrieve the knife and pills as soon as possible, but try to be gentle; if you hear sobbing he must be very sensitive. 

Best of luck, Nakano Annaisha

\---------------

Miss Nakano, 

This is the third message I’ve sent you in the span of three hours, my son has finally come out of his room, and he met me at the kitchen, and left me a letter. I know I should open it, but I don’t know if I want to know what’s written inside. I’ll attach it to this message. I think you’re better qualified to interpret everything.

My sincere gratitude, Asano Gakuhou.

Dear father,  
I hope this letter finds you in good health, I haven’t seen you for a while. I’m sorry for the selective mutism I’ve been subjecting you to, I wish to begin talking again, but I don’t feel…ready, yet. I assume you found what hid in my room, I should tell you you  
almost lost your son to the waves, though I believe you lost your son fifteen years ago anyway. 

This may seem outrageous to you right now, but I wish to tell you what I’ve felt for these past weeks. I’ve felt nothing, emptyness accompanies me everywhere I go, well, this is not completely true, I acknowledge I’ve felt a deep sense of loss, I’ve lost anything  
that keeps my world spinning, I feel like I’m just a…failed experiment of your grand scheme. I’m sorry to inform you but you irritate me, everything you do irritates me, every word you say makes me hate you, each time more and more. You’re selfish, selfish  
enough to not notice you are. I hope you cry and sob and regret everything, I hope you stop faking to care for me when you never even remembered I was anything but your star pupil. 

I know this may sound harsh, but we cannot begin to build any sort of relationship until we acknowledge how shitty, pardon for the language, our relationship is.

Best wishes, Asano Gakushuu

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay, I know basically nothing about Japan, I just searched japanese names in Google and chose my favourite one.

**Author's Note:**

> Assassination classroom is a very good series, it had its good and emotional moments. But the Asano storyline was very unsatisfactory. 
> 
> You're telling me that Gakuhou needed a sad backstory so much, that we made him have a mental breakdown and attempt to commit suicide, without even thinking about his son? 
> 
> All of that happens, and in the next scene the Asano are like "yeah I bet I can win at court against you haha" like dude you fucking tried to commit suicide and you didn't even remember you had a son!
> 
> And on the last scene we don't see the Asano bonding or anything, no, we see Gakuhou's students drinking with him, and Gakushuu is just supposed to be like, yep, this is fine, this relationship is fixable. 
> 
> Because it isn't.


End file.
